There’s a few things I want to talk about tonight that I’ve touched on in previous posts but are relevant more today than the rest of the month so far.
Today is probably the biggest day for failures that I have had. Keeping most of my schedule was killer today for some reason. I don’t know what the issue is, but I’m starting to get a bit worried. It seems that in the beginning of the month my determination was high, and I continually pushed and pushed to get into the rhythm of things but I’ve worn my willpower a little thin the past few days. Perhaps it’s just because instead of one or two things I basically changed everything about my life short of my address and job. I’m exercising more, moving more, writing more. I’m accomplishing so much but it’s taking it’s toll.
Don’t worry, if you’ve made it this far, you’ll know that I still intend wholly to finish the month out. Even with today’s setback I’m not giving up and it hasn’t even crossed my mind. I have no doubt that I will see this through to the end, from where I sit now, but I do feel it would be dishonest for those involved if I claimed rainbows and sunshine when the month is having an effect on me.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that my novel writing has been affected. I wrote more today than I have in half a year. It’s a completely new novel for NaNoWriMo and after some plot and character outlining the past two days, I got to writing. And I suck ass. More than that, I’m okay with sucking ass. It’s a process and like #NoNothingNovember you just have to show up and do it everyday until you’re slightly less bad than you were.
In that same vein, the same mentality I’ve had in the past, The Rut, was nagging at me before I even started writing today’s blog post. I’ve been sleepy for hours and haven’t accomplished much and a part of me said “Just do the blog post tomorrow. You’ll feel better then.” Got to be willing to call yourself on your own bullshit.
I know what that voice is really saying. “Give up, you’re going to fail eventually anyway. Might as well fail only 5 days in instead of 25 days in.” That’s ego-preservation disguised as self concern. That’s why I’m so glad I sucked at writing my novel. Because where I am now, I am willing to suck at something. That’s a feeling I haven’t had in almost a year. It’s so raw and visceral. The Rut clouded me and pacified me, mindlessly toiling away at a grind instead of doing what I really wanted.
It wasn’t so much laziness or morose as it was reveling in stagnancy. I was content not moving forward, and that’s a terrible feeling. Every single day there was some part of me, the man I could be, inside my own head screaming for me to get up and do more. Be more and take more chances. Risk losing everything to gain anything. Something. Anything. Anything was better than the feeling that the haze in my head was slowly and surely letting the waves of time wash over me. A whole life gone. Dead. Drowned by time passing by a body that refused to move.
Don’t get me wrong, today wasn’t all bad. Even when my mind is out of whack and I feel like quitting I still got a lot accomplished. I’m learning to grab The Rut by the throat and choke the life out of it.My willpower is gaining strength day by day and I am making it. Futhermore, the main things I’m deducting things from isn’t so much that I accomplished nothing as it is that I neglected a few of the other things I had planned for it.
I failed Goal 2. I had the plan, but instead of reading the fiction novel I had planned or even RP sidebar, I instead found myself writing and focusing more on my NaNoWriMo story. While that’s great to have a lot of inspiration, I have to be able to turn the heat down and let some ideas simmer. It’s best to stop writing before you drain the font, lest you get hit with dreaded “writer’s block” tomorrow. I was able to do it but for a solid hour or more I was vomiting my insides onto that canvas. Pouring out everything in my head about it. Trying to paint a picture with bile, and good lord it was awful. But I felt amazing once it was out of me.
I feel so much better just sucking at something not because I’m proud of mediocrity but because I reconfirmed something I had told myself for a long time but had stopped proving: I was willing to be awful to be great. I was willing to suffer for success. I was willing to suck to make something happen.
It’s an amazing feeling, but that was the sole highlight of the day. I got distracted earlier scrolling on websites, mindlessly browsing and so I have broken Goal 1 as well. The only rule I actually stuck to even more closely was to exercise and write everyday.
I’m going to try to have the first non #NoNothingNovember post up tomorrow, the 6th, or Friday the 7th.
1) Foregoing of mindless media consumption. 3/10
2) Having a clear daily plan and deadline goals to meet. 3/10
3) Exercise and write everyday. Period. 10/10
Daily Total: 16/30
Yesterday’s Total: 22/30
Total To Date: 121.5/150
Legends of Men 